I wish I could punch you in the face.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
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Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
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I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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