But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.