Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.