You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.