He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky