I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.