she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
