Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
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"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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