If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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