also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
