I think I died a long time ago.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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