My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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