I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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