I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
