why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
