he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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