i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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