when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.