Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
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Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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