I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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