I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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