I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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