So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
