you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
