All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Found the puke drawer
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
