Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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