I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
