I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
