well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better