The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
