I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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