I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
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Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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