I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
