so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
