I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i will never coherently bang her
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.