And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.