Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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