I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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