So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
