Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
