im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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