dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
