If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
