Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
