i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
