I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
