I wish I could teleport
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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