the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.