I think i peed on brittanys purse
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
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Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
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I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette