the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.