right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
