If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We just shotgunned beers for America
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
