Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
