You just made me feel so damn special
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
