when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.