Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
